I have a hard time cutting myself slack.

I worry about a lot. Big things, small things, things I’ve said, things I didn’t say, things I realize maybe I should’ve said, things I said but that sounded like something else, things that became two different things as I said them, things I started saying without knowing where I was going with the end. I set extremely high standards for myself, for how I think I should be, for where I think I should be. I fluster easily, I trip over my words when I get excited, I laugh loudly and don’t recover quickly from it. I know I’m a goobus; I can only hope it’s in a good way and not an annoying one. (And I constantly worry it’s the latter.)

There’s a part of me that I can’t seem to shake that is waiting for the other shoe to drop whenever something good happens: I’m waiting for the reveal, the moment where someone goes “ah hah, got ya!”, the moment someone finds out I’ve somehow snuck into an exclusive party. To be completely blunt: I am waiting for and terrified of the moment where I will somehow fuck it up for myself.

I don’t know if that fear will ever really go away. Maybe I just need to get better at knowing it’ll be there, and trying to keep trying anyway.

It’s been a bit of a week. A good one, for sure. But it makes it easier for me to overthink things, to worry.

I hope the things I do while I’m here on this earth result in a net positive. I hope I put even a fraction of the joy others have brought me back into the world. I hope I’m doing my best.

I need to be kinder to myself, to listen to the kindness of others and take it more to heart. I need to let myself relax. To grow. Slowly, quietly, without shame. And some days are harder than others, even when good things are happening.

But I’ll try to pick myself back up every time.

(Recommended listening, because it’s been on my mind today and is thusly the title of this comic: Absolute Lithops Effect by the Mountain Goats. With a little water. And a little bit of sunlight. And a little bit of tender mercy.)